Conquering Fears

Confident, Self Assured, Independent, Strong, Intelligent.....these are all words that have been used by friends, colleagues and family to describe me. These words I have heard so many times.....for many years.....yet at times that voice from within says something different to me.....and what it has to say is not nearly as positive or as kind as what my dear family and friends have expressed. Why is that? When did that happen? Or has it always been that way? I am coming to the slow realization that somewhere on this life journey I have taken a major detour ....the path has been filled with....needing to "fit" in...... needing to be perfect....not wanting to make mistakes in front of others.....not letting people completely in...as they may find out.....what??.....what have I been so afraid of? Truth be told it is many things. Funny how that tiny voice can keep a hold over you saying loudly .....you aren't good enough or no you can't do that.

I was recently asked to do a presentation at the University of Washington's Autism Center. Every summer they put on a week long summer intensive program. Now to back up just a bit....three years ago when I moved to Seattle, the school district who hired me sent me to this very training. Everyday I would show up and sit mesmerized...listening to all these speakers...wondering...wishing......wanting to be one of them! I have always had a deep desire to be a professor....to write grants...do research....get my Ph.D.

This all came about because my district has a contract with UW Autsim Center. We have a consultant who works with us .. Dr. Milani Smith. I have worked with her for the past three years. I can still remember the first time I met her at the training. It has been wonderful working with her and she believes in me. She actually says she learns from me...what?? me?? When she asked me to present this summer I was flooded with two emotions....excitement and FEAR. I knew this was exactly the opportunity I have always wanted and needed. As my goal is to someday....train teachers to work with students who have autism. However that tiny voice in my head was there...whispering..." You can't do this....remember your public speaking class in college...yes the one you almost failed.....remember....you completely froze when you got in front of others....no you can't do this...it will be a disaster". I have given 3 presentations this past year and I always walked away feeling like I did ok....but not.. I hit it out of the ballpark great.

The presentation was to be 3 hours! YIKES! That is a long time to talk. I almost called Milani and told her I couldn't do it.....but I didn't. Instead I wrote an affirmation and taped it to my bathroom mirror....and I worked on my presentation (took 5 hours to put together).....and I rehearsed. I organized and prepared my materials. The night before I am not sure I slept at all. There was that voice again.... " What if you get up there and forget something...or even worse what if your voice starts shaking". Each time I would say my affirmation...it was simple..... Julie you will do a wonderful job presenting tomorrow..... over and over all night.

I arrived at the UW 30 minutes early. Set up all my books and visuals I had brought as examples. I sat in the bathroom for about 5 minutes as the nerves kicked into high gear and my hands started to shake. Took lots of deep breaths. Then it was time. The room we were in was a stadium style seating with a stage area. The presentation screen took up the whole wall behind me. The participants trickled in from lunch. A lady walked to the front to introduce me and read my bio ...and then.....it was time to start. I walked up ...looked out at the audience and I suddenly felt comfortable.....just like I was standing in front of my class teaching. No shaky voice...no forgetful moments...No freezing up. I even started to remember all of my funny student stories and dropped them in at all the right times. The 3 hours flew by...and several people came up to me at the break to pick my brain and ask me questions and advice on how to handle situations. It was awesome! I had a lady stop me after the presentation and told me that she learned so much from my presentation and that she wrote tons of ideas down.

I walked out there beaming! Glowing..... mostly because my biggest goal in all of this was to deliver a presentation that would be meaningful to teachers. It made my whole day to know that even if it was just one person.....that one person walked out learning something they didn't know before. I also realized that I would really like to do this more.....I would really love to teach teachers how to work with these students and share what I have learned working with students who have autism for the past 12 years.

Ok...one last thing...another fear...... I hiked Snow Lake last week. I did this as a backpacking trip last August....and although I LOVED my trip I felt the hike was sooo hard. Needless to say i have been asked to do this hike by several friends and I have always said No. Why? Fear......fear of not being a good enough hiker........and struggling again with this hike. Well I am happy to report I did it...and guess what.......it wasn't hard at all! Of course I have done tons of hiking so I am in much better hiking condition this summer than last.....but once again I let that voice...that self doubt get in the way. Once of these days I am going to have a stomp that voice party! I wanted to share this with as well...i read it and was blown away. I need this reminder...daily!

"Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses, they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we're all in this together" ~ Brene Brown ....author... "I thought it was just me"

That's not photoshop

This is for my dear friend VB. She came to visit me a couple of years ago and she took my picture at a restaurant we were eating at in Pike's market Place. Well we laughed when we saw the picture as it looked like I was photoshoped into the picture. I recently went on a hike to Lake Annette with a co-worker. Beautiful hike......it was about 7 1/2 miles. She took this picture of me on the trail and when I got home and looked at it...I started to laugh as it looks fake!

I know I promised less nature pictures....BUT it is so hard! This place is bursting with gorgeous scenery. I mean I really can't believe I live here...I must think that several times a day. I love the scenery but I also love living in a city. A place where by night you can bar hop and sing karaoke....then the next day you can wake up and this is your view on a hike. All the while.....this view is maybe a 45 - 50 minute drive from my house! Can you say L-U-C-K-Y! :) Here are pictures from the bar hopping and the hike!

It's beginning to look alot like.....SUMMER!

It's been one week since school ended and summer vacation began......and I have to say I just love summer! We just went through a bit of a "hot" spell here in the Northwest...temps in the mid to high 80's...OH MY! I will admit...that does seem sooo hot...especially when there is no air conditioning.

I love living in a place that has seasons. There is something wonderful about living in harmony of the natural cycles of the environment. Each season has a purpose....letting go of grief...slowing down and reflecting.....producing and transforming.....expansion, growth and activity. I especially enjoy living in a place where summer actually exists. Not the kind of summer where the pool feels like bath water.....you get in your car doing the "try not to burn your legs and hands" dance......where you generally stay inside because...well 114 degrees is not all that comfortable.

The kind of summer where everyone is out playing and enjoying the outdoors. When I first moved here I was taken back when I went to Greenlake for a walk and saw so many people outside swimming, biking, walking, roller blading, paddle boating, laying out in the grass. It was amazing! I knew at that very moment that I would never move back to Arizona. I wanted to share a few images of summer here in Seattle. These were taken at Greenlake....

cute stand that sells delicious treats

Lifeguard post and wooden platform

love the "old School" style diving boards

Look at all the people...and this was a weekday....is everyone a teacher??

this is my favorite place at Greenlake.....the kiddo pool area!

Summertime.... to me means..... yummy lemonade... fresh Salmon cooked on the grill.... Rainer Cherries......picking blackberries while out for walks......fresh rasberries.....swimming....the smell of sunscreen and bug spray mixed together..... camping...camp fires...hiking.....getting dirty..... warm days...cool nights......outdoor concerts at the Zoo......LOTS of patio time......skirts and dresses...flip flops....painted toenails.....strawberry shortcake..... and plenty of sunshine!

What does summer mean to you?

Lullaby Moon

I have wanted to share about this theatrical production I stumbled across a couple of months ago...but I also wanted to capture some cool pictures of it. Well I have realized that is just NOT going to happen. So on with the story!

Back in May my friend Meg and I were going on a walk around Greenlake. We usually do this several times a week. Now Greenlake is a pretty interesting place all on its own ( another blog post) but on this evening Meg said to me " I think somebody is getting married here tonight". I thought that was quite strange as Greenlake is a very open place...not very much privacy for a wedding. But as we walked she pointed out a white ..would looked like a canopy on the end of the dock. Then we kept passing children who were carrying white balloons. I told Meg...I am not sure this is a wedding but certainly something is going on. Next we saw three very large tricycles....with adults riding them......they were dressed in white and had huge rabbit masks on.

Meg and I started to walk faster as now we were intrigued as to what was going on. There was such magic in the air. As we passed these children carrying balloons...people walking past us with blankets and chairs. As we got closer we saw that what was on the edge of the dock was not a canopy but a bed. There was also a very little bed....a table and chairs...both big and little sizes. There were people playing music off to the side and lights set up. It reminded me of Alice and Wonderland. There were also men dressed up in tuxes roller blading around the lake with the tricycle rabbits.

Meg and I started to ask around and found out it was a performance put on for free. We quickly ran back to the car....got home threw on warm clothes....picked up our camping chairs...some dinner and went back to watch. To say this experience was magical does not do it enough justice. Each month this company puts on a performance to celebrate the "New Moon". It is held at a different location in the city. It is to celebrate the moon...and dreaming ..and the whimsical. They don't advertise so people learn of this through others.

That night was amazing. Everything is done in white. They had lights inside the balloons....canoes out in the water with stars that lite up inside. They have rabbits, clocks, owls, mice and horses for costumes. It is all done with music and dancing.....movements...no words. I was just speechless the whole performance. I love the creativity that just flows here in Seattle....it just takes your breath away.

I have included a link with pictures off the website from that evening. Please take time to look through them.....

http://lucianeare.org/galleries/lm7/lm7.html

Here is the website..it gives you a description of Lullaby Moon

http://lucianeare.org/lullabymoon.htm

Here is the picture I got last week. Not great..... but I just LOVE the horse costumes......couldn't help myself.

A little of this and that....

My dear friend Velvet brick made a comment to me the other day...she said " you need to post more pictures of things you see in Seattle". It is true... I tend to post so many nature pictures because well ~ I think it is SO beautiful here. Yet Seattle is a funky town and I do indeed need to share some of the randomness that I see quite often.

So Seattle is the city I live in....however there are several neighborhoods that make up "Seattle". My neighborhood is called Fremont. It is a funky, artsy, hippie ~ tree hugging kind of place. I LOVE it here. I mean truly enjoy this neighborhood. I have always been drawn to art, photography and music.....I beginning to think there might be a creative person trapped inside of me. So this place just feels like home. My neighborhood is lined with cool art shops, coffee houses, restaurants, book stores and quaint boutiques. The creativity just oozes in this neighborhood....it has so much energy!

This past weekend was the Summer Solstice Parade and Fremont Street Fair. The parade is to celebrate summer. I knew I had moved to the right place when I heard about it ~ celebrating summer....well sign me up! You mean you can actually DO stuff in the summer?? It isn't boiling hot like in AZ?? You can go outside...wow! I missed the actual parade this year due to another obligation, which is a bummer because my parents were in town and well this parade is know for it's nude bicyclist....yep you read that correctly.....there are about 100 people that ride nude on their bikes in the parade. I should state they do use body paint and make creative designs ...but at the end of the day naked is naked.

The Fremont Street Fair is several blocks long and has tons of booths. They have all kinds of crafts....political....food.... you name it they have it. So many local artist come and bring their work to the fair to sell. You see some pretty amazing stuff. They also have live music and a giant slide. They had one exhibit that I thought was so cool.....and most certainly unique. They had a showcase of cars.......cars that had been decorated....theme cars. They were so unusual I had to take some pictures.

this car is covered in dentures and old tubs of toothpaste

so many toys!!

some funky people hanging out by their car

this is my FAVORITE one..... it was filled with all the items woman use to make themselves "look pretty" the hood of the car was covered in black lace bras!

this one was covered in shoes

this place is sooo political......it is great...but that is of course because i share the same views...people are always walking around with signs .....I happen to really like this one

here is someone playing on the street corner....aside from the fact that he is playing all of those instruments himself...my truly favorite part of this picture are the kids dancing up above him.

My mom thought everyone was weird......I laughed so hard when she said that as I thought....hey wait aren't we all a little weird?? and who decided what is considered weird and what is normal? Well Fremont just might be a bit weird but I will take this environmentally aware, politically vocal, coffee drinking, canvas shopping bag using, dog loving, Subaru driving, craft making, organic food loving, teva wearing, outdoorsy place!

I chose Authenticity

I am always in awe of how the universe works. With my entire heart and being I believe that everything happens for a reason..... and with that situations unfold at precisely the right time. When one door opens another closes. I have learned that you have to be aware...paying attention to see the subtle and sometimes not so subtle clues that are being presented to you. I am currently "seeing someone" to do some much needed work on myself. Each weekly visit is amazing and I leave there with this mixed feeling of joy and excitement and yet also sadness. Sadness because I feel like I have wasted so much time ~ spent so much time not feeling ~ not being truly present in each and every moment. So much time with walls up to protect me...yet in the end they are holding me back. I try to not stay in that space for too long as in the end I know I am on the path I need to be on and exactly where I need to be.

I left yesterdays appointment and I had all these feelings......feelings I have such a hard time communicating not only verbally but written. Today I was blog surfing and I stumbled across this website that had a pledge/promise/prayer/ manifesto about Authenticity. I immediately was filled with emotion...the kind of emotion that starts in your stomach and rises all the way up ..coming out through your eyes. This manifesto...this is how I was feeling last night. These are the words I wanted to say. Ahh.... I stopped and sat in amazement of just how the universe works. How things are presented to you just when you need them the most. Below I have rewritten the manifesto to share with you. I am going to use it as a daily affirmation while I am working on being more open.....and not letting what others think get in the way. I hope you enjoy!

Authenticity is a daily practice. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the COURAGE to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising COMPASSION that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; nurturing the CONNECTION and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are suppose to be and embrace who we are.

Authenticity demands WHOLEHEARTED living and loving ~ even when it's hard, even when we are wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul searching struggles is how we invite GRACE, JOY and GRATITUDE into our lives.
~Brene Brown Ph.D

Ballard Crawfish Boil

Last weekend my friends Brett and Barbara threw their annual Crawfish Party. This is the 4th year they have hosted the party ~ however this is the first year I have gone. I can't quite remember why I haven't made it the past two years .... but I was able to make it this year. Oh boy was it just TONS of fun. I mean you can't go wrong with a party where the main theme is eating! They fly the crawfish in fresh from Louisiana the night before. They cook them up....along with green beans, sausage, corn on the cobb and potatoes. Throw all the food onto the table.....and everyone just stands at the table....picks the food up and eats it! No plates...no forks.... it was awesome. Even better is that they serve up 3 rounds of this delicious food. Each batch getting a bit spicier than before. It was a wonderful afternoon/evening of good food and fabulous friends. All of my favorite people were there ~ and once again I had this amazing sense of gratitude for my life. I am one lucky girl!

The first batch.......so much yummy goodness

Julie and Gravy with their very tiny pieces of meat ...I do have to say it is alot of work to get those open for a very little amount of food!

All of the ladies...... I was a bit bummed that my eyes are closed!

me and Jojo

I am already looking forward to next years party!